The Art of Giving and Receiving Commands

Introduction to Commands

In a Dominance and submission,  D/s relationship, commands or instructions are not just one person telling another what to do. They are the lifeblood of authority, obedience, trust, and erotic tension. Whether integrated into everyday rituals or intense scenes, commands reinforce roles, deepen a couple’s connection, and ignite the power exchange, feeding the “circle” that creates Married Dominance and submission, M.S.S.

This article breaks down the technique, mindset, tone, and intention behind giving and receiving commands, with practical tools for both Dominants and s-types.

Why Have Commands

Why have commands in a D/s relationship?  The answer goes way deeper than just kink or control. Commands in a D/s relationship serve emotional, psychological, relational, and erotic functions. They aren’t just about getting someone to do something; they’re about creating intentional structure, deep connection, and a shared energetic flow between Dominant and submissive.

🧠 The Psychology of Giving and Receiving Commands in a D/s Relationship

At the core of any power exchange lies a fundamental human need: to feel safe, seen, and significant. Commands, when rooted in consent and connection, tap directly into this psychology. They create a structured dynamic that lets both Dominant and submissive access different parts of their psyche:

• For the Dominant: the role of protector, guide, and authority, giving them the unexplained trust & respect that they desire the most.
• For the submissive, the experience of surrender, devotion, and intimacy provides the closeness with her husband that she requires from her partner. 

Commands shape these vital roles, the language of an actual power exchange.

💬 Honest Communication is the Foundation, Literally!

The number one foundation of D|s-M is Honest Communication. You must learn to be honest with your partner about everything. This dynamic will show the cracks in any foundational pillar, especially in daily relationship communications, if left not discussed or unaddressed. Dishonesty will eventually topple the entire dynamic and cause significant distrust. Where to start with honest communication is with yourself. If you can not be honest with yourself, you can not give your partner true honesty in communication with them.

 Negotiations or discussions happen with a couple throughout the creation of your dynamics during Downtime. 

• Negotiation before play is everything: limits, safe-words, what’s hot vs. off-limits.
• Check-ins during and after are key to ensuring everyone feels safe and fulfilled. 

 FOR DOMINANTS: The Psychology of Giving Commands

 Stepping Into Authority

Giving a command activates the Dominant’s leadership psychology. It requires presence, decisiveness, and a grounded sense of self. 

Stepping into authority is a significant issue with new Dominants, husDOMs.  Initially, a husDom is unsure of what he wants, needs, or even the actions that he should take. Giving commands or instructions will shape his Dominant mindset, helping him form his authoritative role.

Commands reinforce their role as a trusted authority.

• Commanding can shift the brain into a more focused, assertive state.
• It satisfies a psychological need to lead, protect, and create structure.

When done well, giving commands builds confidence, connection, and erotic charge.

 Responsibility In Control

The Dominant isn’t just barking orders; they’re curating experiences and holding responsibility for the submissive’s safety and emotional state. You are behind the wheel; take the responsibility seriously.

• This can trigger feelings of deep purpose and intimacy.
• The Dominant must stay attuned: “Is this command serving them or just simply feeding my ego?”
• Psychological mastery lies in knowing when to push and when to pull back.

Command as Connection

Commands aren’t just about power; they’re about relational energy. Every well-timed command is a conversation that says:

• “I see you.”
• “I know what you need.”
• “I’m here. I’m in control.” 

FOR S-TYPES: The Psychology of Receiving Commands & Instructions

The Relief of Surrender

Receiving a command permits many s-types and subMrs to let go of decision-making, control, and overthinking.

• This can activate feelings of safety, devotion, and arousal.
• The structure of obedience satisfies the mind’s need for order and containment.
• It also lets the nervous system settle: “I’m being led. I don’t have to hold it all.”

Commands create a psychological drop into submission, the mental state many describe as euphoric, peaceful, or intensely erotic.

Giving Trust & Showing Vulnerability

Obedience requires vulnerability. Following a command is an act of faith, showing trust. When beginning this dynamic, some partners will switch roles from the Dominant in the vanilla relationship to the submissive in the D/s-M relationship.  It is difficult at first to trust and be vulnerable with your partner when you, for some time, have held the control and let him step back and be secondary in your marriage.  It is encouraged to use the foundational terms in your verbiage in your communication.  (Honesty, Respect, Trust, and Flexibility) (FOUNDATION ARTICLE LINK) 

• “I trust you won’t hurt me.”
• “I trust that your command has purpose.”
• “I trust that I can show up fully and be accepted.”

This taps into attachment wiring, the deep emotional and psychological patterns that influence how individuals bond, trust, and relate to each other within their dynamic, leading to intense emotional bonding.

Feelings of Identity & Belonging

The number one need of any human being is Belonging. Commands reinforce identity: “I am your focus, you care about our marriage, and you want this dynamic as much as I do.”
Commands satisfy deep cravings for purpose, validation, and recognition.

• “I did well.”
• “I pleased them.”
• “I have a place.”  
• “I am needed.”

🧬 Brain Chemistry in Command Dynamics 

Commands affect brain chemistry in real-time: 

Dominants:

• Dopamine (reward, pleasure) spikes when obedience is received.
• Oxytocin (bonding hormone) rises through connection and praise.
• Adrenaline and norepinephrine increase alertness and authority. 

Submissives:

• Endorphins and dopamine increase from praise or erotic submission.
• Oxytocin surges from feeling controlled, seen, and safe.
• Cortisol (stress) decreases when the command brings clarity and structure.

The dynamic becomes chemically reinforcing; the more it works, the more both sides crave it. This is why couples become addicted to this style of relationship, as the dynamics bring success, it can become a drug to your system.

🪞Commands as Psychic Mirrors

Commands often bring subconscious desires and emotions to the surface, for both Dominant and submissive.

• What commands arouse you?
• Which ones challenge or trigger you?
• Which ones make you feel the most alive, most connected, most in your role?

Your reactions to commands can reveal deeper emotional needs, inner conflicts, or wounds. Bringing thoughts and feelings to the surface can help you explore them, creating real psychological growth and intimacy.

🛠️INTEGRATION: Using Commands to Build Emotional Safety

Commands can be therapeutic. 

• A command can ground someone during anxiety.
• It can anchor the submissive to their body and the moment.
• It can repair ruptures through ritual and structure.

When used with care, commands become a tool for emotional regulation, intimacy, and mutual evolution.

The submissive obeys not out of weakness but from willing devotion and strength in surrender. The more consciously you engage with commands, the more transformational your D/s dynamic can become.

DOMINANT NOTES: THE ART OF GIVING  COMMANDS

🧠 Think & Know Your Purpose

Before giving a command, consider:

• What is the goal? (Discipline, service, arousal, emotional grounding?)
• What emotion or state do you want to evoke? (Obedience, vulnerability, safety?)
• What tone fits the moment? (strict, sensual, or nurturing)

Examples:

• Discipline: “Sit in silence for five minutes. Eyes down.”
• Service: “Prepare my coffee just the way I like it and kneel with it at my desk by 8 AM.”
• Arousal: “Strip, climb on the bed, and get on all fours. I want you ready.”
• Emotional Grounding: “Focus. Tell me five things you can feel right now, starting with your skin.”

🎯 Clarity, Confidence, and Context

Clarity – Be specific. Clear commands build trust. Vague ones create uncertainty.
Confidence – Speak with calm authority. Your energy matters as much as your words.
Context – Match the command to the moment. Consider emotional, physical, and psychological states.

🔁 Combined Ritual & Repetition Creates Power

When commands become rituals, they gain power. Rituals are NOT rules. Rituals can include both partners, and there are no consequences if not done correctly. Rules, there are consequences. Make sure to cover this in downtime and consider the difference.
Examples:

• “Position #1.”
• “Bend & Present yourself.”
• “Go to your place.”

Over time, the body/mind responds instinctively. Rituals signal safety, structure, and submission.

INTEGRATING COMMANDS INTO DAILY LIFE 

  Everyday Commands

Daily or everyday commands ground the dynamic in real life. These reinforce structure, devotion, and polarity even in mundane settings.

• “Pour my coffee and kneel beside me.”
• “Text me when you wake up or go to sleep.”
• “Undress and wait for me beside the bed.” 

 Scene Commands

Scene-based commands are more formal, erotic, or intense. Depending on your dynamic, these can be highly ritualistic, theatrical, or primal.

• “Hold that position until I release you.”
• “Count each strike out loud and thank me after each one.”
• “Crawl to me. Keep your eyes on the floor.”

👁️        Non-Verbal Commands

Non-verbal commands are potent reinforcements of authority, training, and even fun. Commanding presence doesn’t always require speech. You can easily create hand movements to key your partner into knowing what is on your mind, and even develop games for when you are among others. 

• A sharp look: “You know better.” 
• A snap or nod: “Come now.”
• A pointed finger: “Kneel here.”

🔄   Follow Through & Consistency. 

Reinforcement is essential, whether it is praise or correction. Your consistency sustains the authority of your command.  You can not do anything part-time and expect your partner to respond correctly at 100%.  By placing reminders on your calendar to use specific command phrases, you will quickly make giving them a habit. 

• “Good girl. You pleased me.”
• Correction: “Not like that. Try again, slower.”

⚠️    Consent and Timing

Commands must always exist within negotiated consent. In a downtime discussion, you must negotiate what is acceptable for each of you. Leadership means knowing when to command (timing) and when to hold space. Holding space means they are intentionally creating a safe, accepting, and emotionally stable environment where the submissive can experience, express, and process their feelings, sensations, or needs without judgment or pressure.

• Stay attuned to mental/emotional states.
• Respect safe words and non-verbal cues.
• Know and update limits, hard and soft.

EXAMPLES OF COMMANDS BY STYLE

🔥 Strict / Authoritative

• “Kneel. Now.”
• “Don’t move until I tell you to.”
• “Present yourself exactly how I taught you.”

🖤 Used for: Structure, obedience training, reinforcing discipline.

😈 Teasing / Playful

• “Take your panties off—slowly.”
• “Tell me how badly you want this.”
• “Every time you think of me, send me a one-word message.”

🖤 Used for: Persuasion, Flirtation, anticipation, emotional/erotic build-up.

🧸 Gentle / Caregiver

• “Come sit with me.”
• “Drink some water for me, now.”
• “Close your eyes and breathe.”

🖤 Used for: Emotional support, aftercare, nurturing.

👀 Humiliating / Degrading (within consent)

• “Crawl. Don’t use your hands.”
• “Tell me what you are.”
• “Look in the mirror and say who owns you.”

🖤 Used for: Degradation kinks, intense power play, deep surrender.

 S-TYPES: NOTES: THE ART OF RECEIVING  COMMANDS

 Mindset Matters

Shifting into a submissive mindset allows for fuller presence and surrender. Use rituals, physical positions, titles, and verbiage (mantra) to cue that mental/emotional transition.

🎧 Obedience and Action

Submission is not passive; it’s intentional and active. Receiving a command means listening fully, obeying mindfully, and offering your presence and focus.

🔄 Feeding the Dynamic

When a submissive follows a command, they are:

• Affirming the Dominant’s role, feeding them the understanding of their role. 
• Offering them respect, trust, and devotion, they are craving. 
• Fueling the D/s polarity, feeding the circle, and your roles. 

Obedience is a gift and a form of communication within a Ds-M dynamic.

🪞Self-Reflection: As a Submissive, Ask Yourself:

Journal these questions with their answers is a great way to build your dynamic and scenes. Discuss answers BEFORE doing scenes.

• What kinds of commands turn me on or make me feel fulfilled?
• How do I want to feel when I receive an order? Owned? Loved? Controlled? Challenged?
• What obedience feels natural, and what kind feels edgy or taboo?
• How do I express submission, and how does my Sir want me to express words, posture, actions, rituals?

Mindset:“I want to set up my submission and reactions to commands to create a safe, sexy, and challenging atmosphere.”

Internal Processing a Command 

When a submissive receives a command from their Dominant, the ideal internal process isn’t just mechanical obedience.  It’s an emotional, mental, and even spiritual act of reception, transformation, and offering.

Receive it Fully

• Pause and listen carefully to the entire command, with body, mind, and heart open.
• Allow yourself to hear the words, feel the energy behind them, and ask for clarification.
• Imagine receiving it like catching something sacred in your hands; it’s not just information; it’s a gift of direction.

Mindset:

“My Dominant is offering me a path to serve, connect, and embody my submission.“

🫀 Anchor in Trust

“They command because they are building the relationship, not exploiting your trust.”

• Remind yourself why you trust them: because they lead with care, intention, and your mutual well-being.
• Even if the command stretches you, breathe into that anchor of trust:

Mindset:

“I am safe in my obedience. This is feeding my submission. I asked to be seen and held in my submission.”

🛡️ Check Internal Readiness

• Quickly assess:
  • Do I understand?
  • Do I need clarification?
  • Am I emotionally balanced enough to obey gracefully?  If not, it is still submission to request clarity or support respectfully.

Mindset:

“Obedience is powerful when it’s conscious, not confused.“

🔥 Transform It Into Devotion

• Don’t just do the command, inhabit it.
• Turn the action into an offering of love, loyalty, and beauty.
• Obedience is your devotion expressed through your actions.

Mindset: 

“In serving, I reveal the most intimate layers of my being to my chosen one.”

🗣️ Verbal and Non-Verbal Ritual Responses

Use ritualistic responses to stay anchored in the dynamic:

• “Yes, Sir”.
• “As you wish.”
• If speech isn’t allowed, a silent nod or eye contact.
• Kneeling in response, or assuming a trained position.
• Nods, bows, or gestures that signal acknowledgment. 

These deepen the energetic feedback loop (the circle) between the Dominant and the submissive.  These can be discussed and created in Downtime. 

💬 Know and Express Your Limits & Your Sirs

Receiving a command never overrides safety. Use safe words, negotiate limits clearly, and always advocate for your well-being. The most significant difference between married dominance and submission and singles’ D/s is that in marital D|s-M, both parties have an authentic voice and are encouraged to use it to achieve what they both desire the relationship to be. Yes, both of you have limits. 

A subMrs is unafraid to ask what she wants or needs from the scene or dynamic.  Although both sides have different desires from the relationship, both voices are equally important.

FIRST ACTION STEPS

After reading this article, everyone tries to absorb it all, yet they are slightly overwhelmed. We all know that whatever we want to happen, we must put it into action. 

Dominants:

• Practice giving three intentional commands this week.
• Experiment with different tones: strict, sensual, nurturing.
• Notice how your commands are responded to, and refine based on the response.

Submissives:

• Reflect on which style of commands brings out your deepest submission, journal them.
• Offer verbal and non-verbal feedback in downtime.
• Speak to your Sir and build rituals around obedience to heighten the connection. Start small, one ritual at a time, until it becomes a habit.

Experiential Thought

Having many years of experience in this style of intimate relationship. Giving and Receiving Commands is genuinely an art. This journey began as something we emulated from books and even movies. Over the years, we organically became our roles and figured out what we wanted to make of this dynamic. We kept renewing it, recreating the dynamic, and letting others know how to do it. We used commands and instructions, first in the bedroom, powered by BDSM play. Over the years, naturally, we wanted to find a unique way to speak to each other outside of bedroom play in respect and love, but still build that essential circle of my surrender and his rule. We do not approve of anything that can damage your marriage or an individual’s spirit. We created this method to show both partners having responsibilities in their roles, including growing them to the best of their ability while supporting their partner in every way during their journey. Giving commands is created by both parties, and how you receive them is negotiated by both parties. It can stay in the bedroom or come out whenever you BOTH want.

Commands should never be used in anger; sharp tongues injure spirits and marriages. Do not force commands; they will appear as your roles grow. Start small and build as you feel more comfortable doing them or following them. Stay curious and flexible !!